


The Strange and Mystereous Coatnapping of Chaldeas

by HowAreYouGoodPerson



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:14:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23785360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HowAreYouGoodPerson/pseuds/HowAreYouGoodPerson
Summary: When coats, cloaks, and capes vanish without a trace, only one tired Master and their reluctant partner in crime-solving are willing to find them...In other words this is a crackfic I wrote a few months ago for fun lmao. I hope you enjoy!
Kudos: 7





	The Strange and Mystereous Coatnapping of Chaldeas

… It happened again…

Despite all my efforts, yet another cloak had gone missing.

My eyes burned into the papers beneath, but no matter how hard I tried, I just could make any connections… We’d already searched so many rooms, and with how bitter the winter chill was, people were getting impatient…

If we didn’t mind all those coats, cloaks, and sheets stat, someone might just kill a man…

“Oh Master~ I do hope you’ll pardon my intrusi-”

“James… Please tell me your cape’s not missing…”

“... Well, it would be far from the first time I lied…”

… All I could do was flop in my chair from defeat, the force moving it just enough that I could see James… All without that unnaturally bright butterfly wing right beside him.

“ … Ugh… Tell me everything that happened when you last saw it…”

\-----------

“... So let me get this straight. It was around midnight. You were passing through the East Hall on the way to your room, and then you were jumped.” Within mere seconds, the man wailed in agony.

“Yes, exactly! To attack such a frail old man, in the middle of such a bitter winter night, no less! What brute could possibly do such a thing?! Truly, they must be a Servant of pure evil…” Oh, so now he’s a frail old m- wait…

“... Servant? What makes you so confident it’s a Servant?” 

Up until now, I hadn’t even considered that a Servant might be behind this. Not because they wouldn’t but… Many Servants had grouped together to help stay warm as of late, whether it was by making lots of hot foods together, fighting for the kotatsu, or… Well, making a campfire in the middle of the hall (until they were informed it was a safety violation. However, I have a suspicion they simply moved elsewhere.) If nothing else, they could simply dematerialize if no other options were available…

Ah, not now. I needed to focus. Quickly flipping to a new page of my notepad, I looked back at James, who seemed amused.

“Interested, eh? Well, I suppose if it helps return my coat I can share~” James pulled up a chair, making himself more than comfy. “Well, it was quite obvious to me that it was a Servant. Even without my glasses, I could vaguely make out a large, intimidating silhouette! 

As for the class… Well, I’m not one to run from a fight so easily, but merely being in that Servant’s presence sent a chill down my spine… A guess it may be, I’m quite certain that they were a Berserker. “

Hm… A large Berserker…

“... That doesn’t help at all!!!”

“Grrk…!”

… Great, now I don’t have a lead AND James is dejected… But it couldn’t be helped. Even with this new information, “Large Berserkers” wasn’t exactly the most specific, especially with just how many there were… By the time I figured out a possible suspect, half out Chaldea’s staff would need until Summer to completely thaw out…

… Unless…

“James! From now until this case is solved, you’ll be promoted to my assistant!”

“...”

“...”

“... Eh? You’re serious?” Was pointing dramatically not enough to tip him off???

“Of course I’m serious! With your skills and my decent personality, we’ll be able to solve this case in no time! Now hurry up and read the file! Chaldea’s counting on us!” Before he could respond, I smacked the file into his hands, pulling up the Servant Roster on my computer to narrow down our possible suspects.

“... Aha, Master… There seems to be a very, VERY important fact that you’re overlooking… I’M A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND, NOT A LOUSY DETECTIVE!!!”

“Okay Boomer.”

“... Wha- Master, how could you?! For starters, “Baby Boomers” are humans who were born between… Wait a minute! That’s not what’s important here!

What’s important is that I’m James Moriarty! The Napoleon of Crime himself, and there is absolutely no way I’m going to help with some petty detective work! If you truly want help with something so mundane, why not ask that lousy Sherlock Holmes?!”

“Alright, I’ll do that then.”

“...”

“...”

“... Wait, no! You’re supposed to drop everything you’re doing and say “noooo! James, you absolutely MUST help me with this mission! Absolutely NO ONE would be able to help me solve this case as fast, smooth, and gentlemanly as you can!!!”

I spun my chair around so he faced my back, knowing that if he saw my smirk, it’d all be over.

“... Fine! I’ll help you, and I’ll do a damn better job than that pathetic, coked-up detective can! Now hand me the case file!”

“It’s in your hands, remember?”

“... I knew that!!!”

\-----------

Suspects #1, #2, and #3- Darius the Third, Heracles, and Lu Bu Fengxion

“G̠͢R̪̰A̛̯͖̭̙̰̬A̯͉͙͍͖A͖͟A͘A̤͙̰A̡͎̭̰͇̮̲A͉̬̺̲͇̩͈͡Ą̝̦͚͚̝͍̺A̝̗̟̟͚̪̳A͈̜̝̥A̴͓A͖̘̦̱͔͍̖A͈̫͓̱̟̮̣̕A͔̫̲͙̗̞͟A͉̥̙̗A̠̲͈͖̠̞-̖̕”

“... That was… Very helpful Heracles… I feel like we’ll closer to finding the culprit already!” We weren’t. Herc was doing his best, but we really weren’t. Even so, I couldn’t tell him that, so I gave him a thumbs-up.

Oh no. The other two were looking at us. Damn James! He had the notepad! He could just pretend to thoughtfully take notes in full understanding while I had to try and actually talk to them!

“Alright! Now, What about you two? Have you noticed anything suspicious regarding this?”  
“*̞͎U̕N̜̟̣̥̪̜I̬̗̥͎͚̮̺N̺̘̫̱͙̹̱T͏̬͕͚̭̜̰̗E̫̻̹L̛L͇͓̺͔̤I͚̯G͏̱͚A͙̤͍̣͓̖̟B̥̞L͉̭̙̱͖̬̗E͡ ̵͍̥̟̹S̖̪͚C҉̼̪͍͔̺R̺͔E͚A̠̯͖̬̘̯̺͜M̺͙͇͙̫̭I̹̫̩N̡̯̥Ģ̺̻̞̝G͓͖̠̼͔̥̠G͚G͏̪̝̱G̷͇G̦̤̘̠͝G̵̹G̭͈͎͔̭̻̪G̡̞̼̱͙̤G̤”

“*̡̘̮ṶN͔̯͔̙Ḭ̹̳̘NT͎̠͠E̥̝L̦͚̯͖̩L̕I͔͓̻̣͉͈G̳͠A̴̫B̶͖̳͕L̻͔̣̟̣E̬̹̮̳ͅ ̭̪̣̬̦̳͘S̩͢C̶͕̫ͅR̻̺̞E̘͈Ḁ̱M͉͉͓̮IŅ̤̰̻G̱͖G̸͖̘G҉G̫͍̘̰̮̗͡G̛̳̣̮͔͎G̵͈̫̤͚G̣̼̼̣̹̫͝G͏̺G̺̣͉̞̗̹̖G͞ ̺̬̗͉͓x͙ ̣̳͙̥̙̺̯̕2͖̫͉”

… Welp. They did their best. I had to force myself not to glare at James, who hummed in content.

“Well Master, I think we’ve learned some rather valuable information, don’t you think?”

“We did! Thank you three, we’ll let you know when we find the culprit!” After a quick bow, the two of us went on our way… Though, I couldn’t help but to peak at the notepad, unable to decipher a single thing.

“... Hey James? What’s… All that?”

“Hm? Oh, just simple mathematics! I did tell you it soothes me, yes?

… That… Was not “simple…”

\-----------

Suspect #4- Spartacus

… We both exchanged equally tired glances, watching the man scream about oppressors at the top of his lungs. I felt so bad for all the tired Servants and staff hoping for a quiet lunch... James was the first to speak, mumbling as he coughed into his fist.

“Master… I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt to skip just one suspect… Especially after the ordeal from earlier, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Oh, did something happen to you two?” 

“Boudica!” Apron and all was Boudica herself, though she seemed a bit worried. “Oh, we’re fine! … Say, Boudica… You wouldn’t have happened to hear anything regarding all the missing coats and such, right?”

“Oh, the blankets too, right? Yep, I’ve had some stolen myself, fresh from the dryer…”

Could this be?

Nay… I don’t want to believe it… A new lead???

“Yes! Could you tell us everything you know?!” Her friendly smile more than answered my request. James flipped open the pad, ready to jolt every single word.

“About a week or so ago I’d been doing laundry, blankets as you can guess, but just as I’d folded every single one, the power went out! … I’m still not sure why, but I don’t suppose it matters too much in the long run!”

(… Yeah… Probably shouldn’t tell her that it was Nero’s fault… Even if the two were starting to understand each other, it would still irritate her a bit.)

“Anyway, I couldn’t see anything, but I remember something grazing me. It was hard and freezing, like ice itself… And it swiped me right off my feet! Luckily the lights came back shortly after, but the sheets were gone, save a few shredded scraps…”

… Someone large, extremely powerful, sharp… Who could feel cold as ice to the touch…

There was only one Servant I could think of, yet… It couldn’t be…

“... I couldn’t really tell, but… There was one person I saw who stood out…”

\-----------

Suspect(?) #5- Passionlip

“W-wha?! I’d never steal someone’s things!!! Why would someone even say that?!”

Oh god I felt like a monster. I can’t do this. She doesn’t deserve this even if she’s the culprit she can have all the damn blankets. James seemed to notice my inner turmoil, stepping into the spotlight.

“Now, now, Ms. Passionlip, nobody claimed you were the culprit! However, you were spotted near the scene of the crime, and considering how well you fit the description… Why, we have no choice but to interrogate you! Trust me, it wounds us as well to hear such things too…”

“...Eh… Ehhhhh…” Oh god she looked ready to cry I’m a horrible Master I need to be dishonorably discharged from Chaldea.

“... Master… You promise that you don’t think I did it?”

“Of course I do Lip! You could never!”

… Hm. I’m starting to think I might not be a good detective. She’s smiling now though so that’s a fact I will happily live with. James, on the other hand, wasn’t done.

“Now, Ms. Passionlip… We still need information. Would you so kindly tell us just why you were rushing through the halls about a week ago?”

“A week? Um…” It took a few moments, but her face shone with determination. “I can! Um, I was rushing through the halls because… Um…”

“Go on…”

“I… Well… I was…” She mumbled the last part, eyes averted.

“You were what, Ms. Passionlip?”

“... I was scared! How could I not be?! That big, scary Berserker was crawling through the halls, and he looked angrier than usual! Even with my presence concealment and the blackout, I’m sure he almost saw me! That’s why I was rushing… I was afraid to find out what happened when he did…” Finally, the full picture was starting to form in my mind… But there was one important thing needed to piece it all together…

“Hey Lip? Did he happen to have any blankets, coats, or anything like that?”

“Y-yeah! It looked like there was a blanket under his arm, and I think a few capes stabbed onto that metal thing he has!”

… There was only one possible person it could be… 

James and I exchanged a look, knowing this wouldn’t be easy.

\-----------  
Suspect #6- Cu Chulainn Alter

“Go away.”

Unsurprisingly, he didn’t even open the door. James and I shared a knowing glance, before turning back to our trump card.

“Break the door down.”

“Si si Master~~~” 

It was like the door was a saltine cracker with how quickly it crumbled under the impact of her kick… Honestly, the sight had my heart beating in awe of the Goddess’ strength… (Though I would have to apologize to maintenance later. I’m sure they’d understand though.)

Instantly, the first thing we noticed was a bright, unnatural blue… Sticking out like a sore thumb among the seas of soft, fuzzy blankets and elaborate coats, and the occasional drab cape. (Why he bothered to steal Hektor’s was beyond me.)

However, the second thing we noticed, and the thing we should’ve noticed before, was the absolutely terrifying glare of a predator who’s territory we’d foolishly wandered into…

Just the eyes though. After all, the rest of him was completely hidden by the hoard of fabric. It was clear that if we wanted to avoid a fight, caution would be an absolute requirement… I carefully approached, making sure James and Quetz stood back.

“... Hey Cu! How’re you doi-”

“OUT.” … Ouch… And I thought we were close… Which might not be too far off since I’m still alive, but still!

Ignoring his command (a rather stupid decision, if I may say,) I finally arrived right before him, gently placing my hand at the top of the pile. I barely noticed him flinch from the contact. (Oh, I was really testing fate here, wasn’t I?)

“So Cu… You wanna tell me why you’ve been taking people’s co-”

“Move that and I’ll tear you to shreds.” I looked back just in time to see James jump back, hands in the air as his cape dropped back in it’s former position.

… This couldn’t go on like this…

“Cu… I get you’re cold, but so is everyone else! So, how about we give everything back, and we’ll talk with the staff about getting you more blankets?”

It was dead silent.

Soon enough, he laughed. A truly evil laugh that made your entire body freeze in fear… Had James himself not been such an evil man, and Quetz a divine Goddess of good, I might have truly been in danger…

“Cold??? You don’t even know the true meaning of cold…” Though his words were soft, they were still sharp with dreadful malice, which only grew alongside his volume.

“‘Cold’ is being merged with not one, but two parasitic sea monsters. ‘Cold’ is being partially cold-blooded as a result of that. ‘Cold’ is freezing to the bone, even now, with every single scrap of fabric on this pile! LIKE HELL ANY OF YOU KNOW WHAT COLD TRULY IS!”

Thank god he was buried under all those blankets still. This was already terrifying enough, but if he were standing? Oh, I didn’t even wanna think of that.

Suddenly, he smiled, and my blood froze.

“I’ll show you what cold really is…”

… It was like ice… No, it was worse than ice…

“KYAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“MASTER!!!”

Had James and Quetz reacted just a moment later, I would’ve been dragged into the depths of Hell… Yet Cu’s grip on my ankle was unrelenting, refusing to let me escape for even a moment. Oh god, his hands were so cold I could already feel the frostbite kicking in… 

… On the other hand, Quetz was so warm… Not now!!!”

“LET GO OF THEM YOU VILE MONSTER!!!”

“YES YES! CAN’T YOU SEE MI AMORE’S IN AGONY?!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-”

“MASTER, WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LET GO!!!”With a curt nod, I held tighter onto the two servants despite my strength being sapped away.

“... Please forgive me Master!!!” I looked at Quetz in fear.

“Quetzacoatl, what are you doi-”

“XIUHCOATL CHARI-”

“!!!” 

The grip on my ankle was gone, but not without consequence…

Though Quetzacoatl stopped her supplex, she couldn’t stop the momentum.

And thus all I could do was scream as I flew through the air, slamming against the wall, before pitifully falling on a torn pile of blankets.

“MASTER!!!” The two looked absolutely horrified, and I couldn’t blame them… My entire body ached…

However, it was soon replaced by dread (yet again!) as I realized those glowing, blood-red eyes were no longer visible.

“... Oh no…”

“... Master?”

And thus like that, I could feel that ungodly chill through my shirt, before darkness was all I could see, dragged into the cottony depths below...

“MASTER!!!!!!”

\-----------

“AHHHHHHHH LET ME GO LET ME GO!!!”

“Shut it! You intruded, you pay the consequences! Besides, why would I let my personal heater go free?”

“JAMES, HELP ME YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!”

Quetz had long since left to find help, but every second was agony… It was clear he felt bad, but James simply sighed.

“I would if I could Master, but I’m completely outmatched here… I’m sure Quetzacoatl will return with help soon enough, so you can stave the beast off for just a few minutes longer, yes?” Smug bastard, with his cape back on and drinking warm te- oh god his face only nuzzled me for a moment and it felt like death itself.

“J-James… If I make it out of here, I’m going t-nooOOOOO!!!”

And thus I was dragged further into Coat Mountain, darkness swallowing me whole...


End file.
